Well, here we are again. The Academy Awards were last night and Ellen ended the run of terrible hosts we’ve endured over the years. Historically, that room has a tendency to be a smidge up tight. But Ellen loosened them up by taking selfies, ordering Pizza and schmoozing the audience. It was definitely a more relaxed show.
Here are some highlights;
Liza Minnelli was bra less. Her areolas are now the official symbol for future Academy Awards.
Anne Hathaway wore a discoball breast plate.
Sternums are still very much in fashion.
Whoopi Goldbergs stylist was shot dead.
John Travolta can’t read.
Idina Menzel fucked the power note at the end of her song. Broadway will turn its lights off for 5 minutes in memoriam.
Golden Hawn won “actress most determined to remain cute after 40 years”
Pharrell wore peddle pushers on the red carpet. #fuckyou
Bette Midler sang Wind Beneath My Wings. It was ridiculous and brilliant at the same time.
Gravity won virtually EVERY award, but NOT best picture. #stupid
The padding of commercial breaks was both nauseating and endless.
Matthew McConaughey’s speech was meandering and pointless. Oh, and stupid.
The theme of show appeared to be “Montage”.
P!nk sang Over the Rainbow. Brad Pitts hairdresser was fired after her appearance.
Tele-prompt issues appeared touch and go.
Jared Leto won. His hair won also. Kerry Washington was seen trying to scissor it for her weave.
Two Broadway douche bags won and done an ass sweatingly lame skit. #ew
Jamie Fox is desperate for attention.
Kerry Washington should NOT wear plum lipstick. EVER!
Jim Carrey is alive and well. His Bruce Dern impersonation was the low point of the ceremony.
Kim Novak was the Jacqueline Bisset of the evening. However, she did let us see what Madonna will look like in 5 years.
Charlize Theron wore PLASTIC STRAPS on top of her gown. I hope someone was fired for that.
Chan Chan Tay Tay introduced Angelina’s kids. I think.
Gulianna Rancic died of renal failure, shortly after her E! Red Carpet coverage.
J Law started yelling at someone from the stage while she was presenting best actor. She looked like a crazy person and should have been tazed on the spot.
Joining me on this marathon of commercials and montages was my best friend Robbie. He was at his home in Canada, furiously messaging me every time someone did something ridiculous. Our back and forth during the ceremony is summed up beautifully in this exchange regarding Idina Menzels performance.
He hates Idina Menzel. So he is a tad bias.
And thats all I got. I only thought about quiting a few times during the night. But all in all it was a fun show.
See you next year.
A petition for Katie Hopkins to be expelled from ANY public appearances on ITV has reached 75,000 signatures.
As much as I dislike Katie, I feel like we are focusing our attention on things that really don’t matter. Katie is just an annoying biggot, much like John McCririck or Jeremy Clarkson. What kind of person would I be if I took her seriously? Worst still, so seriously that I was willing to sign a petition to ban her from being on telly? No. I have absolutely NO interest in fuelling this.
The idea that over 75,000 people signed an online petition is maddening to me. How about we try and get 75,000 people to give a fuck about something that actually matters. How about all of you start an anti-bullying campaign? That will bring light to something that matters AND give you a platform to talk about the various shades of bullying (that include Katie).
So come on, lets stop being ridiculous and start focusing on real issues instead of complaining about people who are desperate for the attention we’re giving them.
Please do not take the title of this post as a slight on LD. I ADORE her. The title is in relation to the utterly ridiculous bounty that Jezebel magazine has placed for an untouched outtake from Lena’s recent Vogue shoot.
Does anyone else feel like Jezebel (who btw I had to do a lil goog on cos I’d never even heard of them) are potentially attempting to hitch a ride on the Lena zeitgeist? By asking for a ridiculous sum of money ($10,000) for an untouched shot, taken by a photographer at an internationally known magazine, it kind of feels a little transparent to me.
Not only that, HuffPost were virtually salivating at the mouth when reporting it.
Lena D is a smart, funny and attractive girl. Sure, she’s not rail thin, but so fucking what! Neither is Mindy Kaling and she is absolutely beautiful. Can’t Lena just be a brilliant writer and actress without being made into the poster girl for actresses who are slightly over-weight? It’s obnoxious and boring. Get a new fucking angle, please! I beg of you. And stop reporting ignorance and stupidity.
Usually I’m dead against self-reflection and “what if” thinking, but I have recently experienced a moment in my life where I had to think about how I consume the terabytes of information that we receive every hour of every day.
In a heated conversation with one of my best friends regarding Tom Daley’s decision to kind of, sort of come half way out of the closet, I found myself pondering what content I am willing to take seriously.
Wether it be a blog entry from a random internet troll, a two line Tweet from Digital Spy, a full report from Huff Post or a full blown exposé in Vanity Fair, thanks to these sources, I am kept in the loop of what is going on in our world. Trivial or otherwise.
However, as a consumer of this content, I am within my rights to take notice of what is being said, then throw it away if I think it should be disposed of.
For arguments sake, I will use Tom Daley’s coming out as an example. Up until a few weeks ago, Tom Daley was an Olympic diver. But now, he has graduated from simply A Diver to Tom Daley; Gay Diver. A few newspaper articles and some TV News reports followed what appeared to be a seamless transition for this young lad who had came out to his fans.
To me, the reaction was positive.
My friend, on the other hand, felt that there seemed to be some kind of mutiny happening. He swore there was a witch hunt, and insisted that people where scrambling to source photographs of Tom and his boyfriend, Dustin Lance Black. I was taken aback slightly because, as previously stated, it appeared to me that the coming out was hitch-less.
However, my friend was right. In the dark seedy corners of the internet, many people only had negative things to say regarding this 19 year old boy. Comments that I wouldn’t repeat, but for the sake of research, I did a quick Google search. What I found, where negative people who are yolked to hatred. People who are not worth the internet space they fill.
Thankfully, I found zero negative reactions from respected publications and websites.
Which brings me to my point; if you look for negativity, you are going to find it. These people don’t contribute anything to society, so why even give them attention as though they do.
We’re living in a world where we’re told women aren’t funny. Yeah, well some men aren’t fucking funny either. Melissa McCarthy was called ‘obese’ in a review of one of her movies. Really? What if she is obese? So fucking what? If you choose not to see a movie because the star is too fat, then that is your problem. And because one idiot made a dick comment, the whole movie AND Melissa’s performance were totally tossed in the trash. Ann Coulter is a ridiculous person. FACT. What exactly are her fucking qualifications, if any? And does this make her qualified to be invited on TV to vomit her republican nonsense over everyone? All I hear when she speaks is someone who is poisoned by hatred which is fueled by her desperation for attention. Worst still, when she does make reductive comments, it is given news leads and column space. Who fucking cares what Ann Coulter thinks? Fox News? A organisation who are universally known as bigots? Ann, when you go on a talk show to promote a book, then end up BEING the story? That does not make you cool or edgy. It simply makes you the story.
Stop shining a light on peoples ignorances. It makes them look like they have a point if we are constantly scouring the internet for their reactions on things. Especially things that are supposed to be positive.
I’m sick to death of people attaching ridiculous comments and utter nonsense onto themselves and letting it interrupt their own way of thinking. All I’m seeing on Facebook and Twitter is how people are hacked off with something that someone they don’t even know has said or done.
Katie Hopkins thinks kids that have places for names are scum. Good for her. But trust me, that woman hates herself. She’s a vapid, vacuous, non-entity so why even take her views seriously. As long as YOU are not judging people by their name, then you can sleep at night.
Don’t get me wrong, I can be judgemental. But I’m certainly not inciting hatefulness and indulging in plain rudeness. I made a joke about Katy Perry’s performance on X Factor tonight. The girl was out of tune. The end. But you don’t see me hurling insults based on her appearance or character. I don’t fuckin’ know Katy Perry.
I’m not trying to tell anyone how to go about consuming all the information we receive. I’m just asking that you take a second to ask yourself if what your seeing or hearing is really worth your time. And try to disassociate yourself from hatred.
My mum always told me “some people deserve to be ignored.”
And if you do ignore them, they’ll go away.
Sometimes, I get called a Diva.
I’m not sure how I feel about this.
I’m 99% sure that when someone calls you a diva, they’re pretty much calling you a cunt.
So, the Academy Awards were last night. And I have to say, never have I witnessed such an abomination. Here is a few bullet points from the evening:
Seth MacFarlane could have been a great host. But if your audience is a bunch of assholes then you’re pretty much fucked. And thanks to the latency of the audience, we’re probably going to suffer another year of Billy fucking Crystal next year. I know you’re not really supposed to blame your audience, but to hell with that! Those chumps were UP. TIGHT. And when the highlight of the night is someone falling UP a flight of stairs, then that’s a problem.
Anne Hathaway, when collecting her award, uttered the phrase “It came true” while staring at her Oscar as though it were a real person. And with those three words, the entire world vomited over their TV’s. She then proceeded to recite the speech that she had so painstakingly (and obviously) prepared. I wanted to be dead in that moment.
Shirley Bassey performed Goldfinger. More like Oldfinger. Having said that, as someone who was born BC, she looked great.
Adele performed Skyfall, live, for the first time ever. And was literally upstaged by the sea of musicians behind her because someone forgot to turn her fucking mic up. I hope someone got fired for that.
Catherine Zeta Jones performed All That Jazz for absolutely no apparent reason what-so-ever. Oh yeah, and she lip-synced the shit out of it. She even did Renee’s parts. Then Jennifer Hudson came out and shit on everyone. PS she’s lost a lot of weight since Precious; Based on the novel Bush by Satire.
Kristen Stewert presented an award with Harry Potter. She was covered in bruises and limping. This was literally the most hysterical moment of the entire evening. By the looks of her hair, I’d say she was dragged through a hedge backwards. Then someone kicked the shit out of her.
Halle Berry came out dressed as a skyscraper to present the Bond montage. She said the words “Pussy Galore”.
(Flashback to writers room of the Academy Awards:
“So, when Halle Berry says Pussy Galore, the room is going to
go batshit crazy!”)
Meanwhile back on stage; Tumbleweed.
And with that, the show ends and my void is still left unfilled.
It will now be called, Does Anyone Like Anne Hathaway?
Good, god! Could she be any more twee?
I have a slight fear of America. My fear is based on their gun culture, hypocritical politics, obsession with fame and their tendency to make TV stars out of people who are clearly mentally ill.
Good thing she hates being famous because I literally could not fucking care less whether she was a lesbian or not.
A friend of mine received the following text from someone I was winding up on Facebook recently.
"I know it’s Christmas Eve, but I fucking hate Allan Gilmour"
The swell of pride I felt was overwhelming.
Can I make a suggestion to you all? Throw your phones off the nearest cliff. This may seem like a completely superfluous thing to be annoyed at, but what the fuck is the point in having a phone if you have no intentions of using it? Ever.
Remember the days when your phone had a few functions? Including making and receiving calls or sending texts? Obviously, things have changed and we can now pretty much do anything on our phones, from checking our bank balance or locating the nearest gay guy. Don’t get me wrong, I am a massive fan of these functions and would even go as far to say they have made my life more convenient. However, I have never lost touch with the basic purpose of my phone and still make the effort to make phone calls and send texts. I know. How retro.
Not everyone is of the same thinking as me though. Some folk virtually cease to exploit these basics and instead have became so conditioned to having a phone that it is now became a part of their body that is just there. There is no use for it. It is merely an appendage.
This conditioning becomes even more prevalent when you actually speak to people on the phone. For the purposes of this blog entry, I will name and shame.
The two worst culprits of this, in my life, are Scott and Robbie.
To say who is worse would be a punt. I’ll let you be the judge.
Scott is vet. Above everything else. Before being a man, he is a vet. Before being a human, he is a vet. Before being homosapien, he is a vet. He has a job, too. and above being a man, human, homosapien AND a vet, he has a job. On is tombstone it will say “Vet. Had job”. His name would be incidental.
I think you get the point.
Anyway, I could call Scott (and get his voicemail) on Monday and not receive any feedback from that call until several weeks later. And when he does call, he would call at 10.30am, when I am working and (get this) listen to my outgoing message, wait for the beep, then hang up. Ultimately missing the point of waiting for the beep in the first place.
Is it just me or is that annoying?
Robbie has his own problems. Generally. Aside from never answering my calls, he also has a tendency to call me at ridiculous times. You wouldn’t catch me calling him during a show or rehearsals to ask if I should get a dog. Why? Well, I tend to listen when he’s talking to me. Again, very retro.
Ironically, there are occasions when I wish he hadn’t bothered answering. He’ll sound tired or depressed from his hedonistic, destructive, London lifestyle, barely making conversation or even responding. Why even bother answering? Is it impossible to make conversation between the hours of 10pm and midnight? His silence during our calls get so bad, that I literally have to hang up.
Then he’ll hit out with things like “My phone bill was astronomical this month”. How in gods name is that possible? He is virtually evangelical about NOT making phone calls. How can he have an astronomical phone bill?
Let me state clearly that Scott and Robbie are my best friends. If I needed them, they’d call me.
But when it comes to phone calls about how they are etc. They are the biggest fucking douche bags on the planet.
In conclusion, don’t forget to use the basic functions of your phone. Or, as suggested earlier, throw the fucking thing away.